


One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

by PoisonFromTheHeart



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cannon universe, M/M, Sadstuck, dirkjake - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 10:32:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2578427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonFromTheHeart/pseuds/PoisonFromTheHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You wanted to kiss back, you wanted to so badly that it hurt. You wanted to push back and show Dirk that you felt the same way. </p>
<p>But you couldn't...</p>
<p>A drabble on Jake and Dirk's relationship from Jake's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Author's Note:**

> Take note, this is not in chronological order! Hope that'll clear up any confusion!

For the third time today, you jumped back, instantly poised for battle, hands raised and feet spread apart, ready for anything. But just like the first two times, and the times that came before, you only saw Dirk standing there, his arm still outstretched to where your shoulder previously was. He's giving you that look too, the one that is trying to understand, the one that can't seem to finally receive the human touch that he's been craving for for his entire life. The one that flickers with pain.

You relax and crack a smile, making yourself chuckle as you raise your hand to the back of your head, the awkwardness of the situation seeping into your voice. "Sorry there ol'chap! Looks like I still can't get over that Strider speed of yours!" He nods and his hand drops back to his side, "No, its cool Jake. I know." A small smile played on his lips for only a second, only long enough for you to see it before the straight line returned. Your insides twisted as you watched him turn, you wanted to help him, you really did. You wanted to hug him, to hold him, you wanted to do everything he wanted, to provided him with everything he ever needed. But... You couldnt.. You just couldn't and it hurt the both of you.

 

*~*

 

His lips were on yours, crushing and molding them, drawing the very breath out of your body. He was hungry and you could feel it in the way he pushed against you, taking your mouth like a starving man reaching for the last loaf of bread. You could barely keep up as you were pressed against the wall, gasping as your back hit it hard. Dirk took the noise as a sign of pleasure and continued, moving quicker as he shoved his tongue into your mouth.  
But it wasn't pleasure that made you gasp. You would say it was, if it was for Dirk's sake, if he ever asked. But inside you were a mess of panic and fear, you couldn't return his heated kiss, not because you were new to it, but because you physically couldn't bring yourself to kiss back. You wanted to, you wanted to so badly that it hurt. You wanted to push back and show Dirk that you felt the same way. But you couldn't...

You were gagging on his tongue as your body shook, you felt claustrophobic, being sandwiched between the stone wall and the heat of Dirk's body and his actions. You were overwhelmed, every touch from him made your skin burn. It wasn't a pleasurable heat, it made you want to draw back, to jump away. It was all too new all at once, it was a tidal wave of fire that had you drowning and sinking as Dirk pulled you farther down. You tried to draw a breath, but your fear rose when you couldn't.

So when you finally pushed back, it wasn't to kiss him back. No. You braced your hands against his chest and pushed him away from you, finally ripping his lips off yours. You hunched over, focusing only on breathing, taking a deep breath in, and exhaling it out. Even so, they came quick and desperate as you slid down the wall you were formally pressed against. You clenched your head in your hands as you kept your wide eyes on the floor in front of you, your hands still shaking as you knotted them in your hair.

 

*~*

 

It was a pleasant feeling as Dirk held your hand. It was a small connection, yes, but it felt totally new and absolutely unbelievable. You even found yourself looking down at your clasped hands, just to be sure it was still happening. That you and an actual person were touching, that someone else was here with you.

Taking in the way each finger threaded past yours and how your palms came together, the small roughness of each callous on Dirk's hand, endless amounts of new sensations coming in every moment. Every time he shifted and his wrist brushed past yours the very skin itself seemed to come to life, leaving you dumbfounded. You had been so used to nothing but the wildlife around you, and you had come to accept it. you've become so installed into a world where there was only you. One where you didn't have to care for anyone else, or look forward to small embraces. Long ago you had come to accepting that you would never again experience the feel of anothers skin against yours. At first it was devastating, you couldn't comprehend the very idea. But as time went by, you grew into it. You began to enjoy the solitary life, only ever disturbed by your own voice, and even that was rare.

But now with Dirk your at your side, you hoped things would be different.

You were scared, that was for sure, your first actual interaction had been a severed head that you were forced to kiss! It was far from what you had expected and it was a bit, if not very, gross. Before you knew it the world around you had been shattered. The silence you knew was instantly replaced by the voices of your best friends. That was good right? It's good to be with people. Its how things are supposed to be.

Then why were you so scared? Why did you want to run back into your jungle the very instant they arrived? You loved your friends. But you had never really thought that seeing them would be a reality you would have to face. They were only ever just voices on the computer, easy to talk to or to shut out, to call upon when you needed them, or at times, ignore completely when you just could stand it anymore. So you forced yourself to smile and greet them. Of course, it wasn't all faked, you really were happy to see them. But it was overwhelming, they were loud, they were new, they were so sudden and unannounced. You wanted to be able to run up to them and hug them, especially Dirk. You wanted to be a good boyfriend to hug him and kiss him like couples do in the movies. You wanted cheezy music to play in the background as you close the distance.

But you couldn't bring yourself to do it. You just stood there like an absolute git, watching as your friends moved closer to you. Shamefully, you took a step back as they embraced you, your veins ran cold with panic, though you didn't let it show behind your large grin.


End file.
